my mind

little girl, big thoughts.

sad. — March 27, 2019
lost — February 16, 2021
felt. — January 18, 2021

felt.

separation. in the middle of what seems like eternity, i’ve been slowly feeling detached.

from my friends.

my family.

and even myself.

i stare ahead and all i can see is one long hallway, not even light at the end of it.

we’re going in circles.

i’m tired. please save me.

oh, hope. i lost you at the wrong time.

hey, you. — October 17, 2020

hey, you.

I look at myself in the mirror, eyes are stuck in a blank stare.
I thought to myself, “Did I really come this far?”
“Am I supposed to be here right now?”

“Do I even deserve the everything I have?”
“Do I deserve everyone I have?”

“Do I deserve you?”

I look at myself in the mirror, seeing my now broken wings.
Flightless. Helpless. Hopeless.

I really hit the ground hard, huh.

“Welp,” trying to look at myself straight in the eye, my chin up.
“I guess I’m walking, then.”

So I walk. I walk towards my destination, my plan from the very start. With or without wings.

But every step I take is excruciating. I am only meant to fly, but that doesn’t mean that I always get to.

But that also doesn’t mean that I can’t get to where I want to go.

a broken promise — July 30, 2020
mask/s. — May 2, 2020

mask/s.

It’s always easier in the beginning. Naïve, innocent. Fun.

Not a care in the world.

But at what point your life do you start to feel like you’re in two places at once?

Two different personalities. Or is that too much.

You wash the dishes after eating a lonely meal.

Thinking

Wandering.

Wondering.

Hmm. Wondering.

Where you could be at that exact time instead of where you were.

You think of this, that you are this.

But you want to be anything than this.

But you know, deep down.

Every ounce of blood in your body screams at you.

And you hate it.

And you try to do something about it but it would never change thoughts. Facts.

And now, your mind is split into two.

You think happy. You speak happy. Everything is good.

You’d almost believe that you’re invincible.

Except, you wait for that one thing to drop you down, right into reality.

Split in two.

Showing only one. But not showing everything you are is a facade.

mess. — May 1, 2020

mess.

I am in the eye of my hurricane

Waiting to be blown away

Everything is spinning

All so chaotic

Away from a promised utopia

Far from my control

No one can go through.

optimism. — April 17, 2020

optimism.

The light of the night

Feet dangling upon the city view

You can see the cars passing by, but you’re far away

Drink in your tired hand, you breathe in

It’s been a long day of fighting

It’s always a long day, right?

But by the end of it, you realize

That the sunrise you will see when you wake up

Is the same sunrise you would look forward to see each day

Chin up. It will be okay.

Your own sun will rise, I promise.

no escape. — April 9, 2020

no escape.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Everyone, including myself.

Mistakes that led to guilt, followed me to my sleep.

Swallowing me whole, hugging my whole-being.

I have dreamt of a lot of things.

But reliving my mistakes as I drift off to my nightmares were always the worst.

Have you ever experienced that?

The sensation, punching you in your heart.

And as soon as you wake up, your heart runs, beat after beat.

I have. Every single night.

And I don’t know how to escape.

I have no one to escape to, from myself.

why? — March 31, 2020
i wanna stop. — March 18, 2020

i wanna stop.

deprived of security, because you took it away.

it all ends up a burden i can no longer carry.

please, rid me of my misery.

save me from the fate i want for myself.

a leap of faith?

a necklace around my itching neck?

a stab wound to stop you from putting multiple knives in my heart?

stripes on my arms,

black clouds on my legs,

all lead me to one place.

Freedom.

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