i need you, but…

not because i can’t live without you,
but because i can.

i have been given the opportunity in this lifetime to be safe and secured,
reciprocation is the least i could do.

i can live without you, without a doubt.

but i have been given the privilege to be with you.

i’ve learned my lesson not to be wasteful.

happy ending?

like handwritten poetry
raw, oh so sweet
feelings, delicately put into words
overwhelming me with a familiar narrative
i’m willing to see where this is going

clueless, one stroke at a time
a twinkle in my eye as i write down your name
i had all of the hope in the world for you
i was willing to finish every drop of ink for us
just to see where this will go

but through every chapter, a new emotion rises
when there’s love, there comes hatred
i battled with my pen in hopes of our victory
but, is the ending worth fighting for?

my wrist started to hurt
hand is becoming numb
unable to feel the pen between my fingers
barely able to finish my sentences
will i be able to see how this goes?

confusion is slowly creeping in
my body can’t handle this much
paper cuts from every turned page, making me bleed through the paper
with a mixture of tears messing up the narrative
i’m afraid to see how this ends

little did i know, i just wanted it to end

why?

loving you either made me or break me.

loving you meant losing myself just to pick up your pieces. loving you meant drowning, just for you to surface.

was i just a stepping stone for you?

if this is the case, then why do i want to go back to you?

taken.

What did you say?

You described the love I gave like it was your own euphoria. Like the mellow feeling of gently resting your head on the softest of pillows, a safe haven. A love you wish to come home to every night, after a long day.

I gave you my everything, until the last drop.

Now, tell me. Tell me how amazing my love made you feel after you take me for granted.

Tell me how full your cup was while you sip from mine. Tell the whole world how I made you feel.

Please, tell me. I’ve been dying to experience what you felt.

swim.

I swim.

I try to control my speed but the water is pushing me back. Every movement, every limb fighting for my life. Every stroke, begging me to resurface.

Begging me to breathe again.

I let my body take me there. Take me to where my frustrations are finally set free, but at the same time I let the water put me back in place.

I think.

It overflows. It overpowers and it overwhelms. Every thought running through my mind. Every question left unanswered or is answered with another question, which will lead to a new series of questions.

Over and over.

First stroke.

To push away what eats me inside.

Second stroke.

I let the thoughts flow through me like the water touching and embracing my skin.

And I let them go with every kick.

I swim to think.

But I refuse to go in too deep.

I don’t swim for answers. There will never be answers in places where you’ll drown.

But I cannot deny that there are times when I thought drowning was the answer to every question.

To every thought.

To every doubt.

Every stroke was tiring. Fighting to let my body breathe was exhausting. Fighting to let my mind rest was excruciating.

But I continue to swim anyway, not knowing where I’ll take myself.

Whether to drown or not, it’s a decision to make for another day.

For now, let’s float.

will we?

every stepped was planned. we laid everything out on the table.
everything that we wanted to do, together.
everything that we wanted to do with each other, to each other.
everyday, we were happy.

in every step of the way, we held each other’s hand.
even if we had to drag each other at times.
even if there were slip ups.
we always found a way back to our rhythm.

in each other’s arms, we found melody.

my love, where did we go wrong?
i thought we had it all.
despite every bruise, every scar, all the things we inflicted upon each other,
you were the only one who could make it all better.

but scars can never be healed, right?

i did everything i can. you were my everything.
but right now, you seem so out of reach.
and i’ve been out of it too.

i was never perfect for you, but it never hurt to try to be.
even just to be as close as being the best for you.

oh, to hope. it shouldn’t be that hard, right?

then why is it hard? why is this hard?

the flame is dying out. i’m running out of strength.
desperate, i want to cover myself with gasoline.

is this still right?

we’re crashing.

are we still… us?

we’re falling.

i know that you’re gonna be okay. i know that i’m gonna be okay.

but will we ever be?

will we?

we’re in a dead end. will we be okay?